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saltnlight86
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Name: Jay ( Pornsak)
Country: United States
State: California
Birthday: 7/9/1986
Gender: Male
Interests: Guitar, Drums, Piano, Food, Church, Bowling, Basketball, Snowboarding, Food, Movies, Playing Cards With My Friends For An Exceptionally Long Time, Food, Initial D, Did I mention Food?, Boba and anything that has to do with "Hope Of God"
Expertise: Sleeping!!!
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  saltnlight86
MSN: blujay86@yahoo.com
Member Since:
9/9/2004
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| (Please be forewarned, I promised myself that I would just write and write regardless of how honest it is, these are just a couple things I've been thinking and all they are are just thoughts nothing more. Just think of it as a way to vent...)
Well another day has gone by and I feel like I'm once again stuck in a rut... Can't sleep, can't eat and most importantly can't be happy... Sometimes I just wanna break down and cry until there's nothing left of me... Is it common to feel wake desire to just give up... Sometimes life in itself just seems like a big mess, where you don't know where to start picking fixing or stop trying... It's constantly moving too fast when we're having too much fun and too slow when we don't want it to be... When you feel that there's way out, and that no one understands you what are you suppose to do??? Who can you trust, because for sure you can't trust yourself and your emotions... If God will love you regardless of who you are or what you've done (not to mention what you are doing now!!!) doesn't that kind of give you a sense of relief that you can manipulate and come back to someone who loves you so much whenever you feel like it??? Nothing in life is worth living for... money, cars, houses, toys, food, even love itself is just make belief... Everything decision I make seems to be worse than the one before... The whole in my heart gets bigger and I don't know how long I'll last... Motivation is now just a foreign word to me, and nothing brings me joy... I have nowhere to turn, and it seems that the only solution is what I once thought was the problem that I've been trying to run away from... Time is running out and expectations are weighing me down... I don't want the world to pass me by, but I don't know if I could fight the good fight like Paul... I don't know if I have what it takes to be the person everyone sees... I still don't know who I am... Would I really feel better if I was to just get up and leave??? It's probably just an immature feeling that I haven't grown out of yet, like how a kid feels when he wants to run away from home... It's 12:43 on a Saturday night... I'm tired but it's not physically... I'm probably in the shape of my life, but I feel like I'm in the worse... Laziness has taken control of me and I seem to just respond back to the world with a nonchalant attitude... I'm surrounded by people who give up anything and everything they have for me... People who love and are there for me, but these are the people who I constantly get annoyed of and sometimes end up getting blamed because of my feelings of inadequacy... There are a lot of things that I'm starting to not care about and my one and only goal seems to be avoiding hell... I'm not sure if I'm willing to gamble on whether or not Hell is real, so I'd rather live life pretending that it is, versus believing that it's not when it does... Maybe I'm just having a bad day for the past 20 something days... Maybe I should keep myself occupied, but won't that just get me even more tired??? I don't know why people talk to me about their problems... Sometimes I don't listen, and many times I don't care... Which kinda sucks because I would want to be there for them... Well if anything I feel better and maybe tomorrow will be better than today... Here's a Kung Fu Panda quote...
"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present."
-Thanks Oogway...
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| The time is 8:51... Today we just came back from Camp... It was great but of course every time we finish camp we go out into the real world and God gives us oppurtunities to grow... Today Ps. Chai and Crystal asked me if I could babysit... I thought it wasn't anything but I just had a small glimpse of what parenting would be like...
We were watching Sponge Bob Square Pants and I fell asleep with Preston... When I woke up he was screaming and crying in the middle of no where... It was pretty dark and the noise woke up Cameron so I picked up Preston and gave him his bottle of milk... Then I asked Cameron why Preston was crying... Cameron said that he wanted his mom... I thought he needed a diaper change... I looked in his diaper but didn't see anything... I didn't smell anything, So I thought that maybe I should just take him for a walk around the house... 15 minutes later he was still crying but this time half of my shirt was wet (from tears not pee pee) and I felt like I wanted to cry myself... I tried calling Pastor Chai who didn't pick up, so the next person that popped into my head was Cynthia... I don't know why though... Anyways she didn't pick up so I looked at his bottle... It was empty... I grabbed another bottle of milk then put him back to bed with his little baby blanket... He covered his face under it and started to rub his hands up and down the edge with frills... Then Lee called to make sure everything was okay... I told her what happened while in my panicky voice but thankfully everything was under control again... Pastor Chai and Crystal are here now and everything is okay... God has clearly showed me how far away I am from being a parent... I'm also thankful that when I cry to God, He knows why I cry and what I need, unlike my relationship with Preston... Well thank God for such a crazy and wonderful learning experience... I can't wait to hear my kid cry and wake me up in the middle of the night...
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| So today's a new day... I was able to successfully not eat till 6 last night, but I don't think it was fasting... I did pray every time I heard my stomach growl but I don't know, I feel like I'm cheating some how, because right when the clock hits 6, I'm stuffing my face... I don't think this is really pleasing God... Once again I'm hungry and worse of all I have to help my grandma make food... Sometimes I feel that I'm taking my eyes off the prize, and I feel like I'm cheating on God, (which makes me question if I'm just abusing God's grace...) I also tried to spend time with the Holy Spirit yesterday... My goal was to sit quietly and wait on Him for an hour, but I ended up only meditating for 10 minutes and speaking in tongues for another 10... I know I can never understand God's grace, and I shouldn't analyze it... Oh wells, For those of you guys reading, pray for me, because I'm still sick, and I'm getting all this phlegm in the back of my throat which is really gross... Okay time to go shower!!!
It's 3:08 P.M. and I was just listening to a sermon about intimacy with God... Francis basically asked do we lie to God and when we pray, do you we try to make ourselves sound good... We should be honest with God and come to Him as transparent as possible... If were harboring bitter feelings towards someone we shouldn't say "Oh God I'm not really liking this person..." Instead it should be "God I Hate him!!!" (This is me being as real as I can right now, not hiding anything but laying down everything...) The reason why Francis says this is because it allows us to be "Raw with God..." (And allows us to be more intimate with Him, just like David) But of course this doesn't mean we should go around telling everyone we hate them... This is just for God's ears... People will judge us for things we do but God is our hiding place and the moment we open up to Him, He'll give us peace...
Final thought of the day 11:08 P.M. Francis was giving an illustration of us driving in our car... (Sermon: Priorities Part 1, 1/29/06) Just like any ordinary day we drive our car around and we see Jesus on the side of the road think Wow!!! How great it would be to have Jesus with us... He then compares us to three people...
The first group says "Hey Jesus I think it would be great to have you hear with me, get in the trunk... Yeah whenever I hit a bump on the road or something I'll just pop you out and oh yeah bring the jack too..." This group only wants Jesus when theirs difficult times to bail them out and they see God as some kind of slave... But God says no I don't want to get in the car...
Second group says "Oh no don't worry God I'll even let you sit in the passenger seat, and we'll talk and laugh and stuff... Just as long as I drive and I can pick where to go... This group wants God for the good times and the bad, but they still want to live their own life... This group of people think that they have control of their life and think that they would be better off driving because God doesn't know what's best... But God says no I don't want to get in the car...
The last group says "Here God just take the keys, I know who You are... I had plans to go this certain way or to do this, but I know that Your way is so much better than mines..." These kind of people know what's up... With God behind the wheel we can have full confidence that He has total control, and no matter what happens He'll get us out of it... This is how we're suppose to live our lives... Saying that God, I don't even care about my car, I don't care about my plans... All I want is You... This is the kind of car that God wants to get in... (Wow Deep Stuff...) | | |
| Well I guess it's time to write down what God inspired me with today... Thought of the day just like what Francis said revivals start with prayer... Something that really inspired me was a video I got from youtube labeled "I'm in Love 1.6" which was a sermon by Francis... God really inspired me to pray more and that if I want to do something really great for God it should ultimately start with a prayer for God's desire... I was challenged today to fast for this week because we have L.A. Camp this friday... I'm going to be fasting from morning till 6 P.M. dinner everyday until Friday because I want God to make a breakthrough at this Retreat we're going to... The only reason why I'm making this decision to fast known to everyone (I'm really not trying to glorify myself or make myself look good) is to challenge those you guys to also join me... I woke up this morning at 5:00 by noise of my sister playing on the Wii (thank you very much Scott) and after I heard Francis' sermon from about a year ago, I said to myself hey if Moses and Elijah were only a man then I can do all of those things + more!!! I decided to fast at around 6 in the morning but I cheated on accident when I fell back to sleep and woke up again at 10... It's 12:35 right now and as I'm writing my stomach is growling... Boy dying to yourself sure is fun, but Francis said that whenever you feel the hunger urge, then it's a reminder to pray again...
So here are the points that I'm praying for at camp...
Breakthrough that God will show Himself throughout the time we're at Camp (His presence would be so thick that we would just be in awe of it)
Of course Safety for everyone on the way there, back and while we're all there...
Growth in Wisdom, Knowledge and Sensitivity to Him
Hunger and Desire for Him (Desperation during worship, Eagerness during the preaching, and Openness during fellowship)
Okay this next section is just basically going to highlight my spiritual walk from my time at Passion to Now (Since I haven't updated for a while)
Passion - I know all of you guys must have heard this for like a million times already but this is for me (I don't want to forget what God has done to remind me about Him) For 1 1/2 days we learned for Louie Giglio and Francis Chan about God's love and just the main point of "Focusing on the Cross" Since it's been a while I'm just going to label this as "The Moment God Sat On Me" (Note: This is not to make fun of Him or take this matter lightly but) At that time I felt God poor out so much love for me that all I could do was just cry out from inside... I know that I can't just go from Pornsak to Apostle Paul status overnight so I prayed to God that I just didn't want to go through the emotional and spiritual highs... I didn't care about the feelings, I just wanted Him... I wanted to know this person who loved me so much that He was willing to go through Dying on the Cross, Being Mocked, Spat at, Slapped, Stabbed, and turning away from His only Son for me...
Since that day every worship session on Sunday was amazing... It felt like I was singing that song out for the first time, but of course we all know that right after we pour out our hearts to our Marvelous Maker, we go right back to Sinning, Cursing, and Rebelling against Him, but what's so amazing is that He knows we're going to do that and still yet loves us when we come to Him... (Just to make sure I'm not saying anything wrong here this doesn't give us the excuse to abuse this unconditional love, but we must remember how great He is and repent)
The little secret that I only shared with my Mentor was that I just want to not care anymore... I wanted to drop everything in my life and just be like John and go live in the woods with God or something... Who cares if I don't get married, Who cares if I don't have a job or go to school... It doesn't as long as God is my main focus... The good news was that God appreciated my desire, but He knew that it was premature... Desires are good, but it should also be accompanied by knowledge and wisdom, so now I'm trying to pray for all of that... (I kind of didn't want to share this in my testimony yesterday because it was just a lot of kiddy thoughts and I think I was more overwhelmed with a lot of emotions...) I should do what God wants me to do, because His plan for me is the BEST, and if I don't know what that plan is then all I can do is pray to Him, learn from Him, and just go on living a normal life of work and school until he reveals it to me... So I guess this means that I should throw school, work and marriage out the widow just yet...
On Saturday we went to San Diego for a Marriage Conference? from Bao's friend Steven Manuel. (At east that's what I think it was) The two main points of that night were
Husbands - Lay Down Your Life For Your Wife
Wives - Submit To Your Husband
I learned that God intended Marriage to be a reflection to Jesus and The Church... If I have a problem with my wife, I should first go to God (even if I'm complaining to Him) and He would point out what He did for me... Example If I had to wash the dishes 100x and my wife never did, it would make me so angry and I would tell God that... Then He would tell me What about all those times I do things for you? Steven once prayed to God saying "This is not 50/50 God. I'm doing way more work than her..." God told Him, Okay Steven you can divorce your wife when I divorce you...
I was like WHOA!!! That was so deep!!! God loves us more than we love our Spouses and everyday He does like 100 things for us even if we only acknowledge like 2, but God just loves it when we thank Him for those two things.
As a Husband we should never tell our wife that she isn't submitting to us and vice versa, A wife should never tell her husband that he's not laying down his life enough... That would be like an emotional kick in the nuts (My words not Steve's) Every man should be accountable to his actions and as a husband we should be the "big headed boss telling our employees what to do", but we should be the ones asking our wives "Honey, How can I lay down my life for you?" Many people enter marriage with unconscious desires for power... The guys think they know what's better for the girls and the girls think they know what's better for the guys, but the fact of the matter is we're both clueless... The reason why God gives authority to a person, is because he want's that person to serve more... When a husband receives authority he shouldn't abuse it, but instead serve with it... Steve also said that it's funny because the person in the bible who wrote the most about marriage was Paul, and he never got married... Paul was already at the level where he didn't need to get married in order to understand God's love...
And he basically finished with two verses about celebacy 1 Corinthians 7:32 and Matthew 19:12 What got me on the second verse was the last sentance which said "The one who can accept this should accept it... (Oh Man That's ME!!!)
I think that's pretty much all I can remember because it's been like 1.5 hours since I started this entry and man my stomach is mad!!! Okay time to pray some more...
P.S. Happy Birthday Mommy!!! I don't really know why I'm putting this up... She probably won't read my xanga...
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| Bought a DS... Lots of fun... | | |
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